I have had heartbreak on my mind quite a bit in the last while. I think we have all known the
sting of the end of a romantic relationship, whether we anticipated the end or not. We are
likely all familiar with the mourning period that brings a myriad of emotions that can be
confusing and overwhelming. While relationships that come to an end are often an
inevitable part of the dating experience, sometimes the relationships that end are ones we
hoped would become lifetime partnerships, and sometimes these relationships end because
of some form of betrayal.
Anais Nin said, “Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to
replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and
wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”
How do we move on when the person who has hurt us has not apologized? How do we let
go of the idea that we need them to see the error of their actions and be remorseful for us
to move forward?
I was having a conversation with a friend of mine about a relationship that ended because of
unfaithfulness in what was meant to be a monogamous relationship. Part of the pain of her
experience has been moving through the heartbreak without an acknowledgement of the
pain that was caused and an apology for the betrayal. I have been reflecting on that
conversation and realized that this is a painfully common experience. Most of us can point
to at least one experience where we have been wronged and the person(s) who wronged us
did not attempt to apologize to us. If this is so common, why is it still so hard to navigate?
One of the most painful human experiences is that of being unseen. An apology is not only
about demonstrating remorse, but also about validating someone’s experience of being hurt
and showing that you value them enough to care that you have hurt them. The absence of
an apology feels like it does the opposite of that – it feels invalidating and devaluing.
The truth is that an apology makes us feel seen and we feel like we are unable to move
forward without this validation. It can feel impossible to imagine that our pain is valid by
virtue of existing and that we are valuable by virtue of breathing. An apology may never
come and that is not a verdict on your worth. Someone else’s bad behaviour is not yours to
carry.
So how do we move forward? Well, we start by allowing the space we are in to just be. We
allow our pain to exist without judgement or the impatience we often feel with ourselves
when our healing is not where we think it should be. Healing is a messy process – some
moments can feel unbearable while other moments can feel light. Some days you will rage
at the injustice of being wronged with impunity and other days you will ache for that person
to love you again. Allow yourself to be.
There is no way to speed up the process of healing here. There is no way to suddenly loose
your mind from desperately wanting your pain to be seen by the person who caused it. I can
tell you to allow yourself to lean on the friendships and/or family relationships that hold you
with tenderness. I can tell you that a day will come when you no longer need them
